When I was finally called in for my ultrasound, I remember staring at the ceiling and politely responding to the tech.
She was sympathetic and kind, but I was just focused on keeping my tears to myself. When I heard the screen turn, I wanted to scream and say, “I don’t want to see that!” Instead, she gently told me the baby was fine with a healthy heartbeat of 165 bpm. My relief came out as a stream of tears. I must have asked her at least three times if she was sure. She pointed out the heart to me and explained that it looked like the bleeding was coming from outside the placenta. Later that day, my doctor told me I had a subchorionic hematoma. It was essentially trauma from the egg implanted, and the bleeding would subside pretty soon, at least that’s what the doctor told me. Being married to a doctor, I feel I’m allowed to say this. They’re knowledgeable but can also be wrong—A LOT. Not only did the bleeding continue for two weeks, but I also started to develop cramps.
It’s terrifying, waking up to blood every morning and experiencing cramps throughout the day when there is a baby inside you.
You never really know if it’s just cramping from the bleeding or something else. I sang “It’ll be okay” by Shawn Mendes when I felt scared. I don’t know why I sang that when I know it’s a song about a breakup, but I think I sang it to the baby to let him know that no matter what happens, it’ll be okay.
“I will love you either way…. ooooo…… it’ll be o, be okay…. oooooh.”
-Shawn Mendes
I sang it over and over again until I felt better.
Here's a little tip from one scared pregnant lady to another, do whatever you need to comfort yourself. No matter how crazy or stupid it seems.
Two weeks after the ultrasound tech told me everything was okay, I called my doctor again due to the cramps and continual bleeding. The resident and the doctor at my appointment must have said “miscarriage” twice. They offered to give me a cervical exam (which I later found out from my pregnancy doc would have been entirely useless), and they asked me what I thought I should do. I went to the appointment for a doctor to give me their expert opinion, not to be scared into thinking I could have a miscarriage. I refused the cervical exam and asked for an ultrasound. I was frustrated; not only could I have asked for an ultrasound requisition from home, but I could have also been spared the terror they left me with. After the appointment, I cried in my car. All I could think about was the number of times the doctors told me this could be a miscarriage and how I should be prepared. The words “blood clot” and “consistent bleeding” echoed in my head. I couldn’t believe that I was still living this nightmare.
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